I was pondering the world of apples (as you do) while eating my breakfast (which incorporated the aforementioned) and I put a question regarding apples into google (no, motherhood has not caused my brain to go into decline and it's very rude of you to mention it).

Every single entry that came up on the first page related to Apple computers.

What's wrong with the world??????????????????????????????????????

How to keep one's self-esteem at a nice manageable level: employ a 3 year old.

Last night...
Taf: Where's that thingy?
Six: What thingy?
Taf: That thingy.
Six: I don't know what you mean, Taf.
Taf: You know... that thingy. Where is it?
Six: You'll have to tell me what thingy you mean.
Taf: That baby thingy.

This morning...
Taf: [pointing to box where Six keeps her vitamins] Are those to make you really beautiful?
Six: Am I not really beautiful already, Taf?
Taf: *scrutinises Six carefully, then shakes head*

...are no longer pert!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I suppose this is an inevitable consequence of breastfeeding, but I caught my side view in the mirror the other day and was shocked.

They used to be my favourite part of my body!!!

Now all I am left with is my second favourite body part.

Pretty hot, huh?!

Type in your answer to the questions in Google Images and post any one of the images off the first page.

1. How old will you be on your next birthday?

2. A place you'd like to travel to?

3. Your favourite place?

I don't mean the Sharps bedrooms section in B&Q, either.

4. Your favourite object?

They didn't have a picture of my mum's 1950s spotty sherry glasses.

5. Your favourite food?

6. Your favourite animal?

I know it's predictable... but what could be more appealing than a nice pussy etc etc etc.

7. Your favourite colour?

8. The town in which you were born?

9. The town in which you live?

Blimey. Looks like I need to explore the town in which I live a bit more thoroughly.

10. The name of a past pet?

11. The name of a past love?

This was cruel... but irresistable. (ible?)

12. Your nickname?

Cracking stuff.

13. Your first name?

No idea.

14. Your middle name?

Getting saucier by the minute.

15. Your last name?

Aaaah. That's better.

16. A bad habit of yours?

No, not getting worms.

17. Your first job?

18. Your grandmothers name?


Dear old Granny Wonga Tractor.

19. The main subject(s) you studied?

Who could have guessed that a BA Hons in Opening Your Legs As Wide As Humanly Possible could come in so jolly useful?

20. What do you think about the person you stole/got the meme off?

And I really do have to go back to bed now.
x

ParsleySage: Who's this, Taf?

Taf: Sixpence!

So much for me mocking the instructions on the baby nail clippers.

Darn near took his fingertip off last night.

Lots of blood and screaming like an infant horror movie.

Thankfully, his finger still seems in one piece this morning.

I think he's forgiven me.

Sat here wearing my pyjamas and my coat

'cos my clothes are in the room where the baby is napping.

Who said it could get so cold?

...it took me an hour to get him off for a nap after seeing him yawn 6 times. He sleeps for 9 minutes and now he's BLOODY WOKEN UP AGAIN.

No, I'm perfectly calm. Honest.

And at least I used those 9 minutes constructively to eat (if not digest - overrated, surely?) my cereal.

My best oldest mate

(that's 35 years of friendship)

took 3 months to come and meet my baby

arrived at quarter to two

left again at five

her gift to baby Boco still had the price tag attached

i spent longer cleaning the house in preparation for her arrival than she did meeting my son

ParsleySage, he of many entertaining sleep habits, developed a new one last night: the sleep-speaking-clock.

It went something like this:

4.30am
ParsleySage: Sixpence!
Six: [lying awake feeding baby] Yes?
ParsleySage: I've got no idea what time it is!

5.13am
ParsleySage: Sixpence!
Six: [just dropping off to sleep again after feeding baby] Errmnhrr?
ParsleySage: It's half past five!

And it wasn't even half past bloody five, either.

This is my account of 24 hours with an 11 week old baby. Please read it if you are considering having kids, or are pregnant, because you need to know!!! This is a shredded wheat account – 100% whole truth, nothing added, nothing taken away! I wouldn’t say it’s a typical day, but there’s no such thing.

7.00am For once, baby has stayed asleep until daddy’s alarm goes off. He makes waking up noises (baby, not daddy.) Daddy rolls lethargically bounces joyfully out of bed.
7.08am Give baby R boob. Baby feeds for absolutely ages. Urge him to get on with it, as L boob is exploding.
7.40am Give baby L boob but after guzzling for a couple of minutes he’s full up.
7.48am Change baby’s nappy – smelly but empty. Change it quickly, ‘cos it might not be empty much longer.
7.51am Give baby to daddy while I have wee.
7.56am Few minutes to touch base with daddy (insufficient time, energy or privacy from baby to touch anything else).
8.05am See daddy off to work.
8.06am Mummy and baby playtime – one of my favourite bits of the day. He’s very cute and smiles, coos and gurgles. We have a long chat and play ‘grab the rattle’. Drink coffee daddy has made. Baby fascinated by Simpsons mug. Play ‘grab the mug’ instead.
8.30am Baby does squelchy smelly poo. Wait few minutes in case of follow-up squelches.
8.35am Wash baby’s hands and face.
8.40am Remove baby’s nappy. Good Lord!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The quality is fairly predictable on a liquid diet, but in this instance it’s the quantity that shocks. Remove residue from baby’s bottom and bits, then realise it’s right up his back (to the shoulders).
8.43am Wash baby’s back. Baby objects most strongly.
8.45am Pick up baby. Baby will not be soothed.
8.47am Give up and put botty cream and nappy on screaming baby.
8.49am Remove baby from scene of crime (changing mat) and lay him on bed to get him dressed. Slow process because I have to stop after each item of clothing to pick him up and calm him down. He’s going demented.
9.00am Apply dry skin cream to (ironically) soaking, tear-streaked face of howling baby.
9.06am Give baby L boob.
9.15am Baby has fallen asleep at nipple. Lay baby on cushions. Baby wakes. Sit in rocking chair with baby.
9.32am Baby sleeps. Lay baby on bed in stepson’s room where it’s quiet.
9.35am Make bowl of cereal and glass of water with Echinacea tincture in, ‘cos it feels like I’m getting a cold and I can’t begin to imagine how I’ll cope if I get ill.
9.41am Check emails while eating cereal
9.42am Baby wakes. Cuddle and soothe baby.
9.44am Baby doing my head in. He’s yawning and rubbing his eyes and is clearly exhausted.
9.50am Lay baby in moses basket and ignore screams while finishing cereal.
9.55am Give baby R boob.
10.20am Baby has dozed off at nipple. Manage to manoeuvre him onto pile of cushions without waking him up. Hoorah!!
10.30am By the time I’ve gone upstairs to fetch a pile of dirty laundry from the overflowing laundry basket and brought it down to the washing machine, the baby has woken up again. Ignore wailing from living room while I put washing on.
10.32am Sit in rocking chair with baby to try and soothe him. I am still wearing my pyjamas.
10.50am Baby is still wailing and whimpering.
10.51am Give in and offer baby bottle of formula milk.
11.05am Baby finishes bottle.
11.15am Baby has been winded and cuddled and is calm…but still awake. Mummy is calm…but still wearing pyjamas.
11.18am Put baby in carrycot in front of whizzing washing machine. This sometimes works.
11.20am Mummy finally gets to have a poo.
11.24am Still on toilet. Baby crying.
11.25am Rescue and soothe screaming baby.
11.30am Put calm baby in Kick ‘n’ Play Chair.
11.35am Baby crying. Soothe and calm baby.
11.38am Put baby back in chair. Put Classic FM on.
11.39am Baby cries again. Ignore baby while I clean teeth. Notice sink is splattered with what appears to be baby poo – probably from washing out a soiled sleepsuit yesterday. Wipe sink.
11.41am Cuddle and soothe baby.
11.45am Apply quick smudge of deodorant in lieu of more extensive hygiene rituals. Lay baby on bed while I get dressed. Keep up soothing patter, e.g. “And now mummy needs some pants on. Oh look! White pants!” etc. Baby smiles cutely. Little rascal.
11.54am Open bedroom curtains. Decide to take baby for drive, as this is guaranteed to induce sleep.
12.00noon Wrestle unwilling baby into coat and car seat. Baby screams.
12.02pm Put on own coat and shoes. Pick up baby in car seat.
12.03pm Baby asleep by time I have closed front door.
12.03pm Bring baby back into house. Unsure whether to laugh or cry.
12.06pm Remember to retrieve keys from external lock of front door.
12.09pm Hang washing out. Keep ears pricked for wailing sounds.
12.25pm Back indoors. Decide to have lunch while going is good. Examine contents of larder.
12.29pm Decide to cook Super Noodles. Indefensible, but quick. And warm.
12.35pm Type up first half of this account while eating Super Noodles, Activia yogurt and half a box of Cadbury’s Heroes. (Not all at the same time). Think back nostalgically to healthy eating regime during pregnancy. Although eating salmon with marmalade was probably a little unusual (it seemed perfectly rational at the time).
13.26pm Check on baby. Still asleep. Return to computer. Wish room where computer and changing unit is didn’t smell quite so much of baby poo. Eat more Cadbury’s Heroes to take mind off it. Decide that if Cadbury has a hero it should definitely be me - for Valour In Face Of Adversity etc.
13.29pm Make cup of coffee.
13.34pm Catch up on few business emails and bit of freelance work. Am on maternity leave but there’s a few things I need to keep ticking over. That’s self employment for you.
14.22pm Baby still sleeps. What’s wrong with him? Check. Still breathing. He stirs, gesticulates at me and then goes back to sleep. I catch up on emails from friends.
14.44pm I definitely have a cold coming. My nose is running and I am starting to ache all over and feel hot and bothered. Drink more Echinacea tincture.
14.53pm Catch up on thank you letters for baby gifts. Am appallingly behind on these.
15.23pm Phone mum to get an address for a thank you letter.
15.41pm While on phone, realise it’s pouring with rain.
15.42pm Get washing in. Wetter than when it went out.
15.50pm Put washing in tumble dryer.
15.53pm Baby wakes up hungry. Would usually feed him a bit before changing nappy, but on this occasion it can’t wait. Significant leakage has occurred on all fronts.
15.54pm Lay hungry baby on changing mat. Baby very unhappy. Grit teeth and endure screams. All clothing must be changed. Only socks have escaped fallout.
16.06pm Give baby L boob.
16.27pm Baby appears more interested in Deal Or No Deal than mummy’s boobs. No explanation for this but we go with the flow and watch it together.
16.48pm Baby whimpers. Give him back L boob.
16.55pm Charly wins £20,000!
16.56pm Baby finished with L boob. Daddy comes home.
17.00pm Baby vomits.
17.02pm Give baby R boob.
17.06pm Baby fills nappy.
17.11pm Give baby to daddy. Daddy changes nappy.
17.26pm Daddy plays with baby’s legs. Baby all smiles. Mummy and daddy catch up on each other’s day. Daddy has significantly more to report than mummy.
17.56pm Drink Beecham’s Powders and finish thank you letter. Cancel tonight’s social engagement, as I’m feeling too poorly.
18.02pm Baby vomits on daddy six times in next 45 minutes.
18.25pm Wash today’s poo stains out of 2 baby vests and 1 pair of baby dungarees with Vanish.
18.40pm Straighten up bedroom in preparation for baby bedtime, so we don’t disturb him when we come to bed later.
18.45pm Daddy hands baby back so he can make dinner.
18.48pm Give baby R boob.
19.03pm Baby has dozed off at nipple.
19.25pm Babe wakes at exact same moment as daddy delivers dinner. Give baby L boob and attempt to eat dinner one-handed. Inclusion of baked beans makes this a challenge.
19.45pm Baby finishes L boob. Give baby to daddy. Mummy finishes dinner.
20.00pm Daddy changes nappy.
20.15pm Baby wailing constantly. Give baby bottle of formula milk.
20.36pm Baby has tummy ache. Daddy has to stand and jiggle baby around endlessly.
20.50pm Baby vomits spectacularly on living room floor. Twice.
21.10pm Mummy tries to put baby to bed. Baby sobs. Mummy not feeling well and can’t cope. Take baby downstairs. Give baby back to daddy.
21.25pm (approx) Mummy falls asleep on sofa.
22.10pm (approx) Daddy gets baby to sleep in moses basket upstairs.
22.20pm Daddy persuades groggy mummy to go to bed.
22.25pm Baby wakes as mummy is climbing stairs. Daddy takes baby away so mummy can get some sleep.
(Time unknown) Daddy brings baby back to bed. Baby wakes. Mummy wakes. Give baby L boob. Baby, mummy and daddy fall asleep.
1.48am Mummy wakes with boob hanging out. Manoeuvre baby out of bed into moses basket. Baby whimpers but, thankfully, goes back to sleep.
1.49am Mummy puts boob away.
1.50am Mummy, world class insomniac, lies awake.
2.48am Time check. Still awake.
3.06am Time check. Still awake. I have the Postman Pat theme tune going through my head.
3.32am Give up. Come down to living room to read book. Press living room light switch and all downstairs lights fuse. Switch lamp on but too dark to read. Lie awake on sofa. Ponder life, death & universe.
3.49am Time check.
3.54am Attempt to read book in dark.
3.55am Attempt unsuccessful.
3.56am Consider merits of self-pleasure as sedative, but can’t be bothered.
4.03am Frustrated beyond words by insomnia. Take out aggression on slipping sofa cushion.
4.04am Balance lamp precariously on armchair to create sufficient light to read.
4.40am Eyes hurt with tiredness. Go back to bed.
4.54am Can’t sleep due to baby chomping and grunting in his sleep.
5.11am Go to bed in stepson’s vacant room. Have unrelaxing, vivid-dream-filled, intermittent sleep.
7.00am Daddy wakes. Baby wakes. Mummy wakes.